The Carrot Crew Crashes in Middle Earth
by Silverflame180
Summary: A side project based on the parody story Food Wars. I thought it would be fun to see the blonde Carrot Crew and their companions crash in Middle Earth. Lots of action and silliness. This is just for fun. :0
1. Episode 1:An Unexpected Landing

_a/n This is just something silly a started awhile ago. It's a side project based on a parody some friends and I were writing called **Food Wars**. _

_I just thought it might be fun to throw the blonde crew into Middle Earth. There are a lot of inside jokes and a few one shot chapters. Comment if you wish. This is just for fun. :0)_

**_Food Wars Characters Based on Real People:_**

**_The Supreme Totally Awesome and Cool Universal Captain Amanda_**

**_The Lieutenant Kitty_**

**_The Tech Sergeant Pearl_**

**_The Jester Janitor Jessi_**

**_The Lost Tourist Robby_**

**_Food Wars Original Characters:_**

**_That Really Annoying Guy Who Shows Up Every Now and Then Just to Make Things Confusing_**

_Other Food Wars Characters may show up in later chapters. I don't own Middle Earth, etc, etc, etc._

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

**The Carrot Crew Crashes in Middle Earth **

**Episode 1: An Unexpected Landing **

Captain Amanda stepped coolly off the Giant Flying Carrot. She surveyed her surroundings with a thoughtful flick of her brow as her Fearless Leader Skills began kicking in. What planet had they crashed on this time?

She had by now grown accustomed with all necessary precautions in this situation. Pearl hadn't quite gotten the hang of their new fourteen cylinder high powered engines.

It appeared they were in a forest of some sort. She had to admit though, this planet did have a pretty nice look to it. The sweet scent of flowers filled the air. The sun seemed to smile warmly as the birds sang merrily. Flowers danced in a breeze that filled one with a warm, fuzzy feeling.

"Creepy," muttered the Captain.

Amanda couldn't say which she wanted more: to burst into singing, or to become abruptly ill. She eyed a robin that perched on a low branch near by. He was definitely too happy to be any _normal_ robin.

"Well, this is a scene from an Edgar Allen Poe, if I ever saw one," she declared, eyeing the bird warily.

After another look around and a pensive nod, she turned back for her ship to see what the others might have gathered about this strange place.

Captain Amanda entered the Carrot Council room to find Tech Sergeant Pearl, Lieutenant Kitty, and That Really Annoying Guy Who Has Absolutely Nothing To Do With The Plot Who Shows Up Every Now And Then Just To Make Things Confusing. They were all smack in the middle of an in-depth discussion about whether the key to flying really is throwing yourself at the ground and missing. Jester Janitor Jessi & Lost Tourist Robby watched with blank expressions. Of course, it wasn't at all strange to find chaos in any place near That Annoying Guy (which was _really_ annoying).

"And so, as you can quite clearly see, due to the earth's gravitation pull (an energy pressing everything _towards_ the earth) it is impossible for one to miss the ground, if one throws oneself towards the ground," That Really Annoying Guy concluded quite neatly.

"In fact," he added after but a second of silence, "thrusting ones own weight at the earth, I'm quite certain, would result inevitably in pain and or death. (This I know through the experiences of my late second cousin). . ."

"Nu uh!" Kitty protested, wisely ignoring his last comment. "How do you explain Super Man, then?"

"Magician," stated That Really Annoying Guy after a brief thought.

"Really?!" Pearl exclaimed with wonder.

She quickly corrected herself after a sharp nudge from Kitty.

Captain Amanda cleared her throat loudly.

"Supreme Totally Awesome and Cool High and Mighty Universal Captain Amanda!" exclaimed Kitty, thankful for an excuse not to find a real answer for That Really Annoying Guy, until she could come up with a good come back.

The Captain sighed inwardly. It seemed the crew's attention span grew shorter everyday and she just didn't know what to do about it. She didn't want to have to use those home learning videos again.

"Not to interrupt the lesson here," began the Captain regally, "but just wondering if anyone here remembers the strange planet just outside that door, which we are currently stranded on. . . In my opinion, it wouldn't be a very positive experience to be attacked by savage natives right now."

She finished the last thought half to herself, as though making a mental note that this would indeed be a negative thing.

"Oh yeah!" exclaimed the Tech Sergeant. "I was just on my way to tell you - Well, that is, I _was_ on my way to tell you, until That Really Annoying Guy had to come out and try to explain why The Carrot crashed or 'Ceased to fly' or whatever it is he said, and then we got into this discussion over the key to flying. Jester Jessi suggested that it's not really a matter of flying, but how high you can jump; but Kitty and I think that it's really all just a matter of- "

"Hold on," interrupted the Captain, not really caring to hear the rest of Pearl's babbling. "You were on your way to tell me what?"

"Oh. . . Right . . . Well . . . You're not gonna believe this," Pearl started, clearly suspending excitement of some sort. "This is really cool, Okay- No, no. . . This is like really, incredibly, friggin' awesome! -No! It's like totally and _completely_, inexorably- "

"Just say it, already!" exclaimed Kitty

"Right . . . well . . . I know where we are . . . and you're never gonna believe where . . . This is really cool- No. . This is like really, _really_-"

Amanda threw up her hands in exasperation.

"S_omeone_ explain!" she sighed.

"Okay, Okay, you don't have to get all impatient-"

"Middle Earth!!!" interrupted Kitty, unable to contain her excitement any longer.

". .Whosie what?" came Amanda, uncertain she had heard quite clearly (and rather hoping she hadn't).

"That's right!" nodded Pearl. "And according to my calculations. . ."

She paused to pull out her very large "pocket sized" _Complete Middle Earth Atlas Guide For The Completely and Totally Obsessed Fellowship Fan (Get a Real Life) _

"We're about. . . here" she said, pointing to one of her very large fold out, pop-up, 3-D maps. "And, if I'm correct, we're right by Rivendel! And if we're really lucky, we'll be taken prisoner by the High Elves! Isn't that cool?!"

Kitty nodded excitedly as a gesture of agreement. Amanda blinked as she tried to grasp this information.

"Wait. . . " she said slowly, trying not to hyperventilate "So, so, w-we're where?"

"Middle Earth!" exclaimed Pearl and Kitty in unison, with huge grins on their faces.

"I always told you it existed!" said Pearl. "See? No matter how many times you said 'Middle Earth doesn't exist' and then when I didn't believe you, you'd tell me that the elves burnt it down with a forest fire. . deep down. . . I just knew that couldn't be true."

Kitty nodded with a sympathetic expression.

"Elves know not to play with fire," she explained with a shrug.

The Captain was somewhat disgusted to hear this conversation again. She tried to block out the voices.

"So, wait. . . We're in M- Middle- _Hobbit Land?!_" she cried.

"Well, actually, hobbits live in the Shire," stated Pearl, "And Rivendel is about 400 miles from the Shire; but if you'd like to see some hobbits, we have a pretty good chance of seeing Bilbo here. And, if our timing is right, we'll get to see Frodo and Sam."

"And Merry and Pippin!" added Kitty.

"And. . . Aragorn!" gasped Pearl.

"And Legolas and Boromir!" squealed Kitty.

Amanda breathed heavily. The room was starting to spin. This couldn't be! Hobbits and elves were all just made up by some old guy with too much free time. Middle Earth wasn't real! . . . Was it?

The Captain ran outside in hopes of finding some sign that they weren't in Hobbit Land (and to get away from the annoying, ear piercing squeals coming from her two blonde companions).

"_Nooo!!" _Amanda cried as she dropped to her knees. _"I don't believe in elves and hobbits! I am not a Fellowship Fan! I never even watched the second half of the Extended Version! And I am NOT in Middle Earth!!!" _

No sooner had she said this than several tall, skinny people jumped nimbly out of nowhere holding bows and arrows. They all had big, pointy ears, flowy hair, and unusually shiny eyes. It was as though fate had only wanted to spite her.

"Don't tell me," said the Captain dryly. "High Elves." She pointing one finger as though this brought clarification.


	2. Episode 2:A MustHave Hobbity Experience

**Episode 2: A Must Have Hobbitty Experience **

As if by a sixth since telling them when elves were near, Kitty and Pearl appeared from the Giant Flying Carrot. They ran squealing into the center of the ring of elves.

The elves tightened their bows and exchanged questioning glances.

"Wow!" exclaimed Pearl. "We're actually being captured by real live Quendarion elves! I'll have to check this off on my _Must Have Hobbitty Experiences, Middle Earth Tourist Guide _I bought at the Barnes 'N' Noble."

She then proceeded to pull out her camera and snap a picture for her _Middle Earth Bingo_. The elves took a step back. One of them, blinded by the flash, let his arrow fly. The Captain dove to the forest floor and Pearl and Kitty watched with awe as the arrow wisped right between them, striking a tree with a reverberating quiver.

"Cooool!" they exclaimed in unison.

"Shot at by High Elves! That's two in a row! What luck!"

Pearl continued to add another check to her _Hobbitty Experiences Guide _and gave Kitty a high five.

Just then, Jester Jessi and the Lost Tourist Robby came off the ship at a fast jog.

"Hey, I don't think it's a good idea to come out here! You might get- Oh. . . Never mind."

The Lost Tourist shrugged, clearly standing corrected.

"Well," he said optimistically, "if there's one thing I've learned from being a Lost Tourist, it's that if you can't help being kidnapped by tall elves with bows and arrows, you mine as well enjoy the mini-adventure."

Jester Jessi raised her brows

"Dude, you make less sense everyday," she retorted, loading her Radio Active Salad Shooter with a click.

Kitty looked mortified.

"Jessi! You can't shoot an elf! That's bad luck for eleventh-one years!"

"Relax," said Jessi coolly. "I'm only going to scare them a little."

"Is that a _Radio Active_ Salad Shooter?" said the Captain notably. "Have we tested those yet?"

"I don't think so. . ." Pearl replied, already having accepted the inevitable.

The Lost Tourist eyed the tall elves skeptically.

"Uhhh, Jester Jessi, I don't think that's such a good-"

But it was too late.

"Sunglasses!" shouted the Captain.

The crew reacted just in time as a blinding flash of green shot through the air. The Radio Active Lettuce exploded in an array of multi-colored fireworks (which for a moment. . . was pretty darn cool).

The crew was spellbound. They couldn't stop themselves from braking into a zombied chorus of ooh's and ahh's.

"It's so beautiful," said Pearl robotically.

Kitty nodded, wide eyed and grinning. (She liked shiny things.)

But their display of independence was ended all too soon. Sizzling heads of lettuce and cabbage and spinach leaves came crashing back down trough the trees, punching lettuce shaped holes in the forest roof.

"Meteor shower!" cried Kitty, diving to the forest floor.

"Stop, drop, and roll!" yelled Pearl, following suit.

Utter chaos broke out. The Carrot Crew tripped over, bumped into, and collided with the otherwise together and nimble-footed elves, who were currently in a disoriented frenzy. Heads of cabbage hit the earth, smoking as sizzling. Arrows flew in all directions (along with a number of elvish curses). And, yes. . . There was running and screaming involved.

"Oh, the humanity!" Jessi cried.

"To the ship!" yelled Captain Amanda, ducking from a free flying arrow, then rolling to escape the path of a head of flaming lettuce.

She was able to crawl out of range of the core of the madness, and made off for the ship. Yes! She could see the door. The Captain burst out in her victory call:

"FRRRREEEEEEEDDDOOOOMMMM!!!!"

Then, she stopped short, feeling kind of stupid. . . Why was the door closing?

"That Really Annoying Guy!" she growled through gritted teeth as though the name were a curse. She was _really_ starting to hate that guy. Since when did he know how to work anything in the Control Room, anyway?

The Captain ran and gave a mad leap for the door. But it was already too high. Her fingers lost their grip almost instantly. She landed full force on her shoulder (which, she had to say, really hurt). She tried to remember why That Really Annoying Guy was still on their ship anyway. He wasn't even part of the crew.

Amanda switched her image transmitter to the Control Room. Sure enough, there stood That Annoying Guy, looking more than a little confused. Captain Amanda got right to the point.

"Open the door, Annoying Guy!" (There was no time for pleases and thank you's.)

"What?!" he cried in alarm. "And let in the meteors or those long-haired, savage freaks? I think not."

"Annoying Guy, I'm warning you. . . If you don't open this door _right_ now, then- then. . . Then, you are officially _un_invited to my Birthday Party!"

That Annoying Guy gasped, looking hurt.

"But- but you wouldn't. . ." he said tearfully.

"Try me!" The Captain challenged.

"Alright, alright," That Annoying Guy relented, tacking on a few extra phrases too low to be heard.

That Really Annoying Guy stepped momentarily out of range of the image transmitter. The sound of switches being flipped was accompanied by banging and clattering and flying sparks, which may have sent any lesser captain into a panic attack.

"Try the green button labeled 'Open'," Amanda suggestion, trying to be patient.

The clattering ceased momentarily. That Really Annoying Guy was still nowhere to be seen. Awkward silences were never good with That Annoying Guy.

And, then: "Aha!" _Click._

Flashing red lights and ear piercing sirens followed. The Captain clasped her hands over her ears.

"What did you do!" she yelled over the news.

That Annoying Guy reappeared on the screen.

"What have _I_ done?" he said, defensively. "It was _your_ suggestion to press the orange button."

"_Orange_ button?! I said the _green button_!"

That Annoying Guy looked thoughtful.

"Oh. . . Did you?"

"_Yes!_"

"Access denied. All system shutting down. Access denied. All system shutting down."

"Great," said the Captain. "Now you've angered it."

"Well, how do you unanger it?"

"It's only made to recognized myself or the Tech Sergeant! -Quick! Do something!"

"Alright! Just let me-"

"Access denied. All system shutting down."

"Ooh! Maybe this'll-"

"Access denied. All systems-"

". . . Annoying Guy? Annoying Guy!"

The Captain tapped her Wrist Transmitter.

"Perfect," she sighed. "Could things get any worse?"

A branch snapped behind her in response. Captain Amanda turned to face an arrow point two inches from her face.

"Of course it can," she sighed.


	3. Episode 3:Follow the Yellow Brick Road

**Episode 3: Follow the Yellow Brick Road**

Once the cabbage meteors had ceased, a wave of temporary shock followed. Jester Janitor Jessi's Radio Active Salad Shooter had long since been made into a pin cushion. Had it only been the dozen or so elves from before, it would have seemed an easy enough option for the crew to follow their Captain's example and run like heck. Unfortunately, the radio active lettuce display had attracted every elvish soldier within a hundred miles. And, if you can believe it, they weren't happy.

The bedraggle crew climbed shakily to their feet, surrounded at every angle by very angry elves.

One regal looking elf stepped forward and said something in elvish, gesturing with his bow.

"Oooh!" Pearl exclaimed. "I do believe they're trying to communicate with us."

She fumbled with her _Elvish to English Dictionary_.

"I _think_ he said, 'Don't wash your socks on Tuesdays.' "

Pearl thought on this.

"Huh. . . That's weird."

"No, no, no!" Kitty reproached. "Ninyadel doesn't mean _socks_."

Pearl stared, perplexed.

"He said, 'bind them'."

"Ohhhh," nodded Pearl. "That _does_ make more sense! Good work, my little hobbit friend!"

"Why thank you, my tall, elf-like friend!"

"Wait," said Robby. "Bind them?"

And he was soon enlightened of it's meaning.

Luckily for the crew, the elves lived up to their reputation of kind treatment to even their most deranged P.O.W.'s. They bound only their wrist as precaution against having anymore light shows and allowed to walk along encircled by the twenty-four guards who remained.

The crew put up no fight when the elvin archers began ushering them through the forest. Kitty and Pearl were more than cooperative, taking up every opportunity to practice their Quendarion. Jessi was too busy ogling one ridiculously good looking elf to be bothered with anything more; and the Lost Tourist was comparing the situation to a misunderstanding he once encountered between his Tour Group and the Midgets of Mildred Mound.

"Huh. Did you hear that?" mused the Tech Sergeant.

"Hear what?" said Jessi.

"It sounded like someone just went 'Frreeedoomm!' . . . You didn't hear it?"

The Jester shrugged.

"Ah well," shrugged Pearl and returned to her communication attempts.

"Say," said Robby a few minutes later, "where's the Captain?"

The others looked around.

"I thought she was with you," shrugged Kitty.

The Lost Tourist looked to his right, then gave the Lieutenant a blank stare. He wasn't even going to begin explaining that one.

"Hey wait," said Jessi. "Pearl was right. . . Now I do hear something."

The group of elves halted suddenly before a small bridge.

"Now, I hear it too," said Robby. "It's getting closer. Wait. . . Is that . . ?"

"Captain Amanda!" cried the crew.

They're fearless leader had return! Returned to set them free! But wait. . . Why were her arms behind her back? And who were those four tall dudes?

Robby and Jessi sighed, feeling their hopes shatter. Kitty and Pearl were inwardly leaping with glee. This was going to be the best field trip ever!

………………………………...

Captain Amanda was sent forward all but kicking and screaming. She joined her crew, silently cursed her forgetfulness in leaving her Burger Blaster on board the Carrot. Their dingy bows and arrows would have never stood against such technology! To think she hadn't even brought her Tomato Slicer. She sighed inwardly, giving into her fate.

After two elves, apparently generals of some sort, spoke in their elvish jibberish, the crew was then ushered across the bridge. An enormous building of some sort loomed up on the apposing shore. The forest trees reached up to the very walls of the building. Their were even trees inside the building. In fact, the archutechture itself was even designed to _look_ like trees.

"I knew it!" cried the Captain. "We've been kidnapped by a bunch of Tree-Huggers! They're going to sacrifice us to their voodoo tree god!"

Kitty rolled her eyes.

"Now your just being a tad ridiculous, Cap."

Lost Tourist Robby looked around thoughtfully as Pearl began singing elvish songs and Kitty made mental notes of how she would later make her own elvin cloak.

"Say, do you think they tie _all_ of their guests up like this?" the Lost Tourist wondered. "Or are we just special?"

To this he received no response, for Pearl and Kitty were far too distracted trying to communicate with one of the elves.

"Might have been the explosive lettuce," muttered the Captain.

"Sorry," shrugged Jessi.

"_I_ would have never just tied a few people up," said the Captain defensively. "They could have at least given us a chance to explain."

"Must be a Security Breach," mused Robby. "Yeah, that's gotta be it."

"They're _elves_," the Captain retorted. "Elves don't have Security Breaches. They- make toys in Santa's work shop or something!"

Pearl and Kitty gasped, near tears.

"How could you say something so cruel?" said Kitty, lip quivering.

The Captain had to relent.

"I. . . was kidding. Elves rule," she said dryly.

This was going to be the longest trip ever.


End file.
